kids are assholes

Bro Hug

2011-01-10T22:05:00.005-05:00

Grade 11 Russell asked me for a bro hug today. I obliged.

Predicting

2010-12-06T22:45:00.001-05:00

Turns out Andy, the speller, can also do math pretty well.

Me: Is Michael 10? Is he 14?
Andy: No! He isn't 100, okay?

Professional Development

2010-11-23T21:29:00.002-05:00

This is a note passed to me and my colleague by a real-live teacher.

Teacher's college

2010-11-20T22:33:00.002-05:00

Such a joke!

Professor sent me this letter, regarding a shitty assignment.

Pound?

2010-11-18T23:02:00.003-05:00

Grade 11 George asked me today whether or not I was going to pound this weekend.

Wait. What?!

+/-

2010-11-14T01:21:00.002-05:00

A picture post!

The most wonderful time of the year

2010-11-08T20:28:00.002-05:00

We went to Starbucks and asked for something festive, but coffee. So I got a French Vanilla with a mint flavour shots. It was soooo festive!

EXPLOSION

2010-11-05T23:33:00.003-04:00

We were making posters for Grade 11 Math class and one student says:

I'm gonna draw an explosion. Cause I'm manly like that.

Spelling

2010-09-12T23:42:00.001-04:00

This one you've got to read aloud to achieve the best effect:
Me: Andy, do you know how to spell your name?
Andy (5 years old): A - ANDY - Y

Bat on bat violence

2010-08-27T13:18:00.002-04:00

Sixth-grader, Alan was explaining to me how you can be mean when you're scared.

For example, if there was a bat flying around your head but you were extremely scared of it, you would grab a bat and whack it.

Oh, puns.

1 000 000

2010-07-23T19:32:00.002-04:00

I'm currently teaching high school math to three very ept students. Whenever they have questions, I know I'll be stumped because these girls get everything I get.
So it surprised me when in the middle of a test, one of my girls asked me "what's the number one million?"
I refused to answer.

Rock band

2010-07-06T23:13:00.002-04:00

I've got a Grade 10 high school student, John, who's in a rock band. I decided to share this information with another student of mine, Jason, Grade 5.
Jason: Does that guy come here to get tutored?
Me: Yeah. His name's John and he's in a band.
Jason: Yeah... he looks like he's in a band.

Learning Languages

2010-06-23T14:52:00.002-04:00

One of our newest students recently arrived in Canada from China. Today he went on a walk with my co-worker, learning names of nouns on the street. My co-worker, J, trying to refresh his memory:
J: If there is a fire, where does the water come out of?
Fred, 16: Fire... fire... hy -- he -- uhhh?
J: Yeah, you almost got it.
Fred: Fire hose-tree!

2010-06-08T02:57:00.005-04:00

I was chatting with my co-worker about baseball games and trying to be subtle because there were kids around.
Me: So can you get beverages at baseball games?
Jason (Grade 5): You can get beer.

Phobias

2010-06-04T17:47:00.005-04:00

Kevin: Terrence, I'm scared.
Me: Why?
Kevin: Well, there's this really popular girl in my class. She's apparently the most popular girl in the whole of Grade 5.
Me: So why are you scared? Is she being mean to you?
Kevin: She bit me.

It's like my iPod's stuck on replay

2010-05-23T19:03:00.003-04:00

Max H. was trying to explain this new song about Johnny and Melanie. I had no idea what he was talking about. Then I realised that mondegreens (misheard lyrics) are the best from kids. Max was singing:
Johnny's likes Melanie in my head...
Iyaz's hit song "Replay" contain the lyrics:
Shawty's like a melody in my head...

Spiders

2010-05-17T13:21:00.001-04:00

John B., SK, made quite an insight the other day:

Spiders poo the string for webs!

Imagine living in a house made of your feces...

Ice cream

2010-05-09T16:41:00.002-04:00

Fun fact of the day according to Caitlan: everyone's favourite dessert, ice cream, is made of snow!

Hermes

2010-05-07T20:19:00.003-04:00

You know you work with rich kids when they pronounce Hermes, Greek messenger god, as Hermès (air-mez), the luxury name brand.

SEVENTEEN

2010-05-05T02:11:00.002-04:00

Seventh grader, Kailyn was very proud of all her accomplishments.
Kailyn: You know there was a dance on Friday?
Me: Oh yeah. Did you dance with anybo---
Kailyn: SEVENTEEN BOYS.

Twin love

2010-05-03T22:34:00.002-04:00

Linda and Terry are twins. Mandy tells Linda that no one cares about her birthday.
Linda: My brother will care about my birthday. And his friends.

LOOBILOO

2010-04-29T22:32:00.003-04:00

Francis, who is in Junior Kindergarten, had a paper airplane today, but this was not the one he was most proud of.

At home, I have a circle airplane that can do a loobiloo when I throw it.

After several repetitions of this sentence, I finally deciphered his message. A loobiloo is a loop-dee-loop.

Coyote Avalanche!

2010-04-26T21:15:00.002-04:00

Seth, our resident sports afficianado decided to quiz me today on NHL teams.
Seth: I bet you don't even know any hockey teams.
Me: Of course I do! The Coyotes! I bet you don't even know where they're from.
Seth: Psht! Yeah I do. Uhmmm... wait, wait. Let me think! Ermmm... Oh yeah! The Colorado Avalanche!

Summertime

2010-04-13T19:39:00.003-04:00

As the weather gets nicer, kids start gearing up for summer. How do we prepare for summer? Grounders!
Tom (with eyes closed, counting): ... Eight, nine, ten, eleven - oops! I mean... GROUNDERS!

Pepperoni

2010-04-10T23:03:00.001-04:00

So, we are ordering pizza and Caitlan (6 years old) suggests some pepperoni.
Me: I don't like pepperoni.
Caitlan: Why? It's not pepper, just roni.

Weird

2010-04-06T22:36:00.002-04:00

This is our first guest blog! How exciting!
The following story comes to us by the way of friend, B.
She was sitting on the bus beside an 8-year-old girl the other day and they had the following conversation.
Girl: How old are you?
B: Twenty-one.
Girl: Oh! My dad's girlfriend is 24. He's like 39. It's kind of weird...

Random Acts of Kindness

2010-04-06T18:09:00.003-04:00

Can't believe I haven't posted at all this month - sorry world, I've been busy with school. Gonna keep this short and sweet.
Today is RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS DAY. We thought we'd point it out to our kids. And straight away, the kids were being super kind!
Benji: I love you, Martin!
Martin: What! Ew!

π

2010-03-27T15:06:00.002-04:00

Max H: I have to go to the bathroom.
Me: Ok.
Max H: But not for the p-o-o word.
Me: Ok.
Max H: For the p-i word.
Me: For the pi?

Kids are so forward these days

2010-03-24T00:14:00.003-04:00

John and Alicia sitting in a tree...
The two of them (both fifth-graders) are throwing foams at each other and Brie chimes in: "John, you look like you have the biggest crush on Alicia!"
To which he replies, "Obviously."
"What?!?"
"I've had a crush on Alicia since Grade 3 - everyone knows that. Duh!"
Meanwhile, Alicia whips a huge piece of foam at John's head!
WHAT A FLIRT!

Milo

2010-03-19T23:31:00.004-04:00

Biking down the streets today, I stumbled across my old summer camp (in March break camp obviously) and I was struck with vivid memories of funny and wonderful and lovely children. One of the best moments of the season happened when we were doing our ice-breaker games. The (super exciting) game was to say your name and your favourite food. A little excerpt:

"Hi, my name is Milo and my favourite food is Milo."

St. Patty's Day

2010-03-18T21:30:00.003-04:00

In celebration of St. Patrick's Day, I have a real diddy:
Matt: What do we celebrate on St. Patrick's Day?
Me: We celebrate a saint named Patrick.
Matt: Was he the saint of beer?
Me: Probably...

Some thing's never change

2010-03-16T23:02:00.005-04:00

Here's some for yourself!

Colour blind?

2010-03-14T23:02:00.006-04:00

Seven-year-old E has a bit of an identity crisis.

Me: So E, you're half-brown, eh?
E: What do you mean?
Me: Your dad is South Asian, right?
E: What? No! He's just realy tan.

See Food

2010-03-11T00:38:00.008-05:00

At my job, it's an unfortunate coincidence that we serve snack in the arts and crafts room. One lucky day, we had Goldfish crackers for snack, you know, those cheesy baked delicious crackers.

My attention was directed elsewhere when I heard Oliver egging on Lex, "Eat the fish! Eat it!" Then a slight mumble filled the room, followed with intense giggles. If you work with kids, you know that giggling means something's up. I turn toward Oliver and he's got this innocent smile on his face - I knew something was wrong. I turn to Lex, and he's laughing uncontrollably. Turns out he ate a tiny foam fish meant for crafts! Oliver looks at me and insists that he thought they were candy.

Maybe the seafood made them see food...

Bieber Fever

2010-03-08T23:43:00.005-05:00

So if you don't know, Justin Bieber is kind of a huge deal. He's an even huger deal with kids. He's an even huger deal with Linda, a Grade 5 student. She absolutely adoooores JB.

Linda: Oh my God, you guys! Justin Bieber is so so so cute! I love Justin Bieber! I want to marry Justin Bieber.
Terry: Justin Bieber's gay!
Linda: I know! He went on Oprah and announced it on national television. But he's still sooooo cute!

Ahh, true love.

How do you tell a kid that her feet smell?

2010-03-06T01:03:00.002-05:00

Usually when I tutor, I like to sit right beside my students to make it less formal and so I can help them better. However when Sammy (Grade 6) walked in the room, I knew this wasn't an option. Her Uggs were soaking and her entrance caused the room to go real sour real quick. It smelled exactly how it looked - nasty, grimey, stank, wet boots. I had never taken so many bathroom (more like breathing) breaks in one hour.
To top it all off, Sammy asked me whether I had ever had athlete's foot.
My response: get your feet checked.

When parents agree

2010-03-02T13:59:00.005-05:00

When 10-year-old Seth was being a jerk, I told him like it is. He didn't appreciate my forthrightness. He decided to get me back by tattling.

Seth (whining): Mom! Terrence called me a jerk!
Mom: Well... Sometimes you are.

I love when parents agree with me.

How to diffuse a situation

2010-02-28T15:56:00.005-05:00

Pull out your imagination caps!
You've got a five-year-old girl crying in a corner. How do you convince her to stop? Tell her that Auntie is going to get mad at her for crying. So she attempts to stifle herself but to no avail...
Solution: Tell her to shove her face in her brother's underwear drawer. An upset five-year-old now becomes an uncontrollably silly five-year-old.

A few weeks later when she sees the photo, she makes a keen observation:
"I look like a power ranger!"

TEAMWORK

2010-02-26T12:53:00.005-05:00

This summer I worked at a camp on a very hyper-sexualized street in Toronto. My group of campers decided that we should name ourselves TEAMWORK! Everyday, we'd take our kids for many downtown excursions, usually through the Gay Village. This one time, ten-year-old Jason, noticed something that really caught his eye.

"Look everyone! It says TEAMWORK! That sign says our team name!"

He was referring to STEAMWORKS (slightly NSFW), Toronto's premium gay bathhouse.

Brotherly Love

2010-02-23T14:16:00.003-05:00

Lex, Grade 2, has quite a few things to say about his brother, Martin, Grade 5. I think he has a major inferiority complex because when Martin's not around, Lex really comes out of his shell. Here are a few examples:
"My brother ate his own poo."
"My brother wets his bed."
"My brother had a hernia..."
I question the truthfulness of these statements, but they're undeniably hilarious, especially since they come out of nowhere.

Lucky New Year!

2010-02-23T00:13:00.006-05:00

When I finished tutoring little Max H., I walked into the lobby to meet his mother. Since it was New year, she handed me a Ang Pao, which was expected. We chatted for a bit and I thanked her for her the lucky gesture.
The envelope felt a little thick, but I paid no mind because they are rich. I went to the next room to check how much money I got - it was $20. But wait, there was more!
Inside a found a note, asking me to betray my employer and do some private home tutoring - skipping the middle man. I was quite offended by the note, seeing that it brought such a level of scandal to my Ang Pao. I was afraid that all the luck would be cancelled by this sneaky situation.
What are your thoughts? How should I solve my problem?

On another note, I asked my mom about my loss of luck. She said that it is actually luckier that there's scandal attached to my Ang Pao but only because that scandal will make me more money. But my mom thinks anything with money is lucky...

Age of Forgetfulness

2010-02-19T21:08:00.004-05:00

A teeny tiny kindergartener, Lisa, has already hit that unfortunate stage where memory begins to decline. I'm going to bring her some crossword puzzles to improve her cognitive functioning!

Lisa: Where's my backpack? I can't find my backpack!
5-second pause
Lisa: Oh yeah! It's on my back.

Being helpful

2010-02-19T00:23:00.003-05:00

Fifth-grader, Benji, decided to share some of his wisdom with his classmates.

Charles: What's the website you're on?
Benji: Lemon Arcade.
Charles: Wait - what?
Benji: Lemon Arcade!
Charles: I can't get it.
Benji: First type lemon, then arcade.
Charles: It's still not working.
Benji: Dot-com.

I exclaim.

2010-02-18T18:20:00.005-05:00

Teaching a Grade 6 kid how to engage a reader can be a real challenge. Max W.'s writing is very dull and formulaic. I showed him a few tricks of the trade: start with a joke, ask a question, a vivid anecdote. All he could come up with was:

Max: I liked the book Harry Potter.
Me: That is a very boring sentence.
Max: I liked the book Harry Potter!!

Ahh, the power of the exclamation. Wait, let me rephrase. Ahh, the power of the exclamation!

Richard

2010-02-15T23:38:00.003-05:00

A second-grader named Lex is smart.

Lex: Stop being such a dick!
Me: Hey! Appropriate language, please.
Lex: Stop being such a Richard!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2010-02-14T14:41:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!

To commemorate this glorious holiday, I will share with you a New Year anecdote:
I was tutoring a Grade 2 child, which makes him 7-years-old, named Max H. He is a really great kid - he's outgoing, funny, smart, athletic, musical - pretty much the hard-ass Asian parent's dream-kid. Good thing for his hard-ass Asian mom. Who sends their second-grader to tutoring anyway? Answer is: Max's mom.

So he has a presentation to work on and his topic was Chinese New Year. Max, being the little charmer that he is, is a top quality presenter. He was very good at keeping eye contact and had a lot to say. It was better than a lot of university presentations I had seen. Max was feeling a little nervous, so we decided to practise his presentation several times. We went over it about 8124 times and he even stayed for an extra half hour. At the end of the session, I praised him for doing such a great job with his presentation. Then he offered me this little gem:

"Oh yeah! I have to do my presentation in French."

Inaugural Post - Ode to Alicia

2010-02-12T19:43:00.007-05:00

Alright, blogosphere - it's finally time to get this up and running! It's more than your typical Kids Say the Darndest Things stuff. That shit's too PG.

Let me start by explaining the blog nomenclature. Seeing that this blog will be a collection of sayings, doings and happenings-to of kids, I thought it was only appropriate to name it after one of our to-be favourites, Alicia.

So, Alicia's a Grade 5 girl, at this really fancy private school in downtown Toronto. She's got a big mouth and she knows it. Which makes her an easy target for the Grade 1 kids apparently... One day, they decided to steal her DeLux Monkey hat. Alicia, being a lot bigger than the Grade 1 bullies, was able to catch the little ones without a hitch. The thing she didn't see coming was E throwing her really expensive hat into a puddle, while she was restraining him. She proceeded to shove him, let him know that her hat was really expensive and proclaim:

GUYS, LITTLE KIDS ARE ASSHOLES!

So that's where that came from - visit soon!